Saturday, December 29, 2007

hands, heads and dirt

I'm begging you people ... please put away your dirty rags. Please.

Mangled glove. At least this one is somewhat interesting looking. I swear, I think the little guy is obsessed with rags and gloves. You have no idea how many of them I've seen in my house.

Simon ended his day around 1am with a nightcap.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

almost there

I think he was feeling lazy. Not only is this MY bag that was in the garage, but he gave up and just left it sitting there, stuck in the cat door. I guess when he can't find anything to his liking out in the world he peruses the garage and takes something from there, or he pilfers it when doesn't feel like leaving the house. I'm on to him, but I can't really complain. Having my own belongings moved about my home is still better then the dead mouse he brought in a few nights ago.
And to Andrew, who is doubting Simon's abilities, I 'll quote a friend of mine who, at a party one night, during discussion about Simon, said "I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. I've never seen Jesus but I've seen Simon dragging a bag over the fence. That shit is for real!".
Can't really argue with that.
Oh, and the catcam is undergoing some technical problems (like it hasn't worked yet). But there is video coming ... it just may take awhile.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Simon says...

Merry Christmas!
My favorite thing about this stocking is, if you look very closely, you'll notice that there's still a tack attached. I really hope he didn't grab this off someone's mantle but if he did ... sorry about that Monica.

Friday, December 21, 2007

hand it over

This is the conversation I just had after returning from dinner and finding this hand towel on my floor:
"Is this ours or Simon's?"
" think that's Simon's. Is that blood?"
"I'm not sure. Can you tell?"
"I'm not touching that thing."
"I need to shoot it for the blog."
I decided the red had a little too much violet in it for blood. But it was still nasty.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

if the glove fits

Yes, he did take the neighbor's glove ...

and his other glove ...

and then he went and grabbed the mates.

He also threw in a rag just to mix things up a bit.
The little guy had quite a busy night. But the appearance of the items a day after the missing glove alert was sounded by my neighbor does throw some question into Simon's thieving ways. Until now I just assumed that he walked around the neighborhood, found something he liked, and brought it back into the house. But where was he hiding the first two gloves for more then a day? A friend has pointed out that maybe Simon has a safe house where he hides his hot items until the time is right to bring them back home. I mean, would I really be surprised to find a stash of stolen items hiding behind a bush somewhere in my hood? No, not at all.
So, as I handed my neighbor his missing gloves this morning he declared that he was going to have to "simonize" his yard. How cool - my cat's name has become a verb.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

love your rug

Somewhere in my neighborhood someone woke up and thought "where is my rug? who would steal something like that?"

Simon. That's who.
Today, within an hour, two of my neighbors knocked on our door asking if Simon had brought home their belongings. The first guy was holding two gloves, two different gloves, each with a missing mate. The best part is that he sounded almost apologetic as he explained that he 'accidently' left his gloves outside - as if he was taunting Simon and he knew it and now felt bad. The second person was the twelve-year-old son of neighbors two doors away from the first guy. He was baring holiday treats and a pleas for a pair of moccasins. Neither the glove nor the shoes have made their way through our cat door. Of course that doesn't mean that Simon didn't take them, he probably did, and we'll most likely see them in the coming days. And yes, we'll return them. It is almost Christmas after all - peace on earth, good will toward men, and return stuff your cat has stolen - that's the spirit.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Size 11.5 Nikes. So big they wouldn't even fit through the cat door. I found these waiting in my garage, I guess somehow Simon knows that shoes come in pairs and it's important to grab both of them. Is there any doubt that Simon rules? I didn't think so.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Time to dry off

After two live geckos Simon finally went back to inanimate objects. Unfortunately (mainly, because it's boring) he is currently on a rag kick. He does this. There was the glove phase, then a shoes phase, then a what-the-hell-is-that phase. I'm not sure what drives him to bring home what he does but I'm figuring out that it is all rather calculated. Maybe this week he'll move on to various denominations of money. One can only hope...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Blame it on the rain...

It's been raining here, and cold, two weather conditions which don't seem to agree with Simon's delicate sensibilities, and although the sun has finally popped out the little guy isn't really in the hunting mood it seems. He did bring me a gecko for lunch today, but that doesn't really count. About as close as we've gotten to any real gifts has been this:

A homemade flag? I don't know, but he brought it home a few months ago and the stick, which is so long I couldn't include it in the frame, has rendered it incapable of fitting into the Simon Box O'Stuff. So it's been sitting in his temporary box since it came home. I guess he was in the hunting mood, but not ready to get cold, the other night because I heard clanking around coming from the garage and, just like the first time he brought this home, I found this laying there when I went to see what all the fuss was about. Even though it's not new I was still heartened to know that he was thinking of me and at least trying to get me a gift.
In other news the sensor activated camera I ordered from the fine folks at B&H has finally arrived. So, if the weather starts to meet Simon's criteria for hunting, I'm hoping to have video to share in the coming week(s).

Thursday, November 22, 2007

It's that time of year...

I wish I could say these showed up last night just in time for the Christmas season kick off of early morning shopping and rampant consumerism but, no, these are from Simon's box. He brought them in last spring. But now that it's Christmas light time I am left in a bit of a quandry: I love old-school lights like these but I can't put them up, can I? These lights aren't too common anymore (I tried to find some last year) so I think the owner might notice if they see them hanging from my tree. Of course, I'd give them back, if asked. That's the Christmas-y thing to do, right?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

This can't be true...?

I'm hearing from doubters. So I'd like to take a moment to address the truthiness of this blog.
I ain't lyin'. No really, my cat does this all on his own and the tire gauge story is factual.
And why don't I have any photos of Simon holding a pair of gloves in his mouth? Have you ever seen one of those wildlife photographer episodes on the Nat Geo channel? Well, if you haven't here's the lowdown: HOURS are spent waiting for those monkeys to pick bugs out of each other's hair. And getting Simon as he bolts through the cat door would take that same dedication to time and my job just won't allow it. Eventually I need to leave the house. Plus I'd need a great disguise because as soon as he sees me he drops what he's got.
But for those who don't believe and those who have been asking, a sensor activated remote is in the works and cat-cams are being discussed. Stay tuned...

Reasons to clean

I have no idea when this came into the house, I found it under my dresser, and it's crunchiness leads me to believe it's been there a while.

While I'm on the subject of insects I (and Simon) would like to give some props to our favorite insect (I guess technically that's arachnid) photographer. Not for the squeamish, but definitely for the curious, take a look at Chris's blog, it's good stuff. Although I've never met Chris in the flesh I do know his fabulous and very talented wife. Her blog (which, fyi, was the inspiration for this blog) rocks. If you like photos you'll love this. Simon has even been know to pick up the speed on his biscuit-making when he sees her stuff on the screen.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Triple play wednesday

Earlier this week a cold front blew through and around here we call that "crazy animal weather" because the neighborhood comes alive with animals streaking through their front yards and fighting with each other. It's generally also a good night for Simon. It's not, however, a good night for sleep (read the FAQ's for Simon's gifting procedure and you'll know what I mean).

The world will never be at a shortage for gardening gloves, no matter how hard Simon tries.

Upping the bar on the meaning of 'dirty rag'.

I really think he gets into people's laundry rooms because there just isn't any other excuse for the amount of socks he manages to find.

Please clean up your trash...

because if you don't Simon will deposit it on my floor.
Simon hadn't brought anything new home in a few days and this was his response (four hours later) after I said "Hey, I need something for the blog. Get busy little guy." I think I'll be more specific next time.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

other people's trash

I don't think Simon is bringing me 'gifts' anymore, I think he's just cleaning up the neighborhood.

Friday, November 9, 2007

The things people leave laying around

A small cast, complete with ace bandage. Which really begs the question - who the hell leaves something like this just laying around their house? That's just nasty. And yes, it made the most fantastic noise dropping to the floor as he dragged it through the cat door.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Stealing from children

Size 4t. I left this hanging from our front tree for a few days hoping the owner would see it. I mean, who doesn't feel a bit bad knowing some four-year-old can't go out to play because his jacket was heisted by their thieving cat?

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Go Cherries

Cheerleader Barbie. This is what I found waiting for me at home after my first night playing with The Cherries kickball team. No lie. I'm glad to know we had Simon's support.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Person appropriate

I was out of town and my house sitter came home to find this on the floor. The great thing about this, besides the fact that it's a pillow, is that my house sitter is a shopaholic. It's like he knows...

Monday, November 5, 2007

Let's reflect

Someone isn't safe anymore.

Out of the box

42DD. We know how he likes his ladies.

I heart halloween

Because Simon ups the ante of what he brings home. This is what I found Sunday morning when I turned the corner of my house. A nice big, curly, black wig. This wig is actually bigger then Simon. Somewhere some guy is telling his buddies about seeing a cat carrying this down the sidewalk, and his friends are telling him that he's on crack.

So not everything that Simon finds makes it into the house. A lot of stuff, particularly things like wigs, get caught up on the fence. This will soon be a non-issue once we've finished building our wooden fence, complete with an entrance for Simon and all his things.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

small furry animals

These are some of the 'stuffed animal' highlights from Simon's box .

A hedgehog. I mean, it's a bit nasty, but it's so cute at the same time. Somewhere a small child is missing this.

No child is missing this. This thing came from a shallow grave.

I'm pretty sure it's a felony in Texas to steal someone's Bevo.

A face only a mother could love ... to rip out! I don't want to know the back story of how this bear lost it's stuffing. It seems way to calculated.

smudges of unknown origin

Friday, November 2, 2007

What does this word mean?

Cayucos? This one's from the box. More old stuff to come soon.

12:55am Friday

Nasty towelette. I'll put this in the 'rag' category and jettison it right into the trashcan. I don't want to know what this was used to clean, but I think I saw blood.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

11:35pm Tuesday

If ever there's a murder in our neighborhood I'm pretty sure Simon will find the bloody glove before the police do. This now makes glove #20.

1:15pm Monday

Maybe it was my sniffling or maybe it was my afghan-wrapped CSI marathon but somehow Simon picked up on the fact that I was at home because of a cold. So he brought me a handkerchief. Freaky, isn't it?


1. Are you for real?
Yes. You can't make this up.
2. Has he ever brought home money?
No, but I keep waving twenties in his face hoping he'll get the point.
3. Do you keep this stuff?
Of course. We currently have one 4x3 foot container filled and another box for new things as they come in.
4. Have your neighbors complained?
Not to us. But once a little girl did stop by asking if we'd seen her missing shoes. We had. In our kitchen. So we pulled them out of the box and gave them back. We try to be nice when
we can.
5. How did this start?
An open door and a ski mask. Appropriate I thought.
6. Have you ever asked him to bring home something specific?
I once needed a tire gauge and came home that night to find a bag with 5 gauges in it on my doorstep. For real.
7. What is Simon like?
He's a little on the small side, but makes up for it in personality. Hobbies include slapping the dog around and making slow, precise, biscuits on whoever will volunteer their belly.
8. What's the strangest thing he's brought home?
An outdoor lounge cushion that was three feet long.
9. How does this go down?
He generally (unless the item is too big - see above question) bolts through his cat door holding his 'find' in his mouth, then he'll take the item to our dining area, drop it and let out an 80 decibel meow letting us know he brought us something. He'll then get lots of praise.
10. Does he bring home animals?
Unfortunately yes. Sometimes the killer in him comes out. So far we've had mice, grasshoppers, geckos and birds. All in various stages of living or dead.
11. Does he have any 'favorite' items?
No, but rags seem to show up a lot. If there's anything I've learned about human nature from this it's that people love rags.
12. Have you ever used anything he's brought home?
After returning from an out-of-town trip I found a scarf on a chair, mistakenly thought it belong to our house sitter and wore it. Three days later she told me it wasn't hers. I scrubbed my neck for hours. The housesitter pointed out that "that's what I get" for wearing her stuff. Point made.

he was feeling a little red

A christmas coaster and a feather duster - color coordinated. And people say cats don't see in color.

back catalog

No, I don't know where these came from, and I really don't want to either. Lately Simon has been on an 'undies' kick. Clean, dirty, torn, new ... it doesn't matter to him. While we appreciate the thought I'm hoping it's at least 40 more years before I find myself needing any granny panties. This pair came in a few months ago and is currently living in Simon's box 'o stuff in the garage. When he's feeling lazy he'll go grab it and present it like it's new. At current count I've found this particular one on my kitchen floor 5 separate times. Maybe he likes the smell...